i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
