two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Randomize
