I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
