I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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