I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
