This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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