I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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