When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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