At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
