Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
