We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
