there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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