sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
