Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I can't turn off my feet"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
