am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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