I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
