I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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