i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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