Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
