I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
