Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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