Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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