my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
