We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
