Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable