i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*