Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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