when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
