Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
