Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!