His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.