Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
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Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
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Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work