i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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