Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
