hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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