Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
