I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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