I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
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