I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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