He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
last night I used snow as a chaser
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
