What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize