I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
