She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I want to be your penis for a week.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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