So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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