Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My penis needs a shock collar
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
