sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
