apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
