She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
