you're like a bully in the Christmas story
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
True strength comes from lack of pants
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