Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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