ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I would ride that face into the sunset
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
