We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
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