thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
