Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I won't apologize to a one balled man
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
