Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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