whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
