You were right. It hurts to walk today.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Randomize
