We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
